Shattered Shape

It dropped with a loud crash and shattered to pieces, as if it was glass. Numb, at first, I looked at it, not knowing how to react. I stood still, my eyes looking at it without recognizing the poor little shapeless thing. My mind trying to remember what purpose the broken little thing once had had. Time stood as still as I did and I began to feel that something was missing, as if my mind finally remembered what that shattered object had been. That was when the pain came, like a lightning it hit me hard. I took a gasped without being able to breath. I cried out without making a single sound.

Kneeling, I touched a piece of the broken little thing and cut my finger. With growing panic, I looked at the crimson drop slowly rolling down my hand. People walked past me, “help”, I whispered but nobody stopped. “Please”, I tried again but nobody noticed, instead they walked past me and trampled over the pieces. Each crush making the pain in my chest grown stronger.

Rain and tears painted my face and made it difficult to see anything. With every piece I touched a new cut was born, as if to tell me not to bother and soon my fingers were numb with pain and sticky with blood. “It’ll be okay… It’ll be all right…”, I told myself between the sobs without actually believing a word I said. I put the shards in a box I found and just sat down on the street and stared at them. I was cold, utterly wet and beyond comfort.

As I sat there in the wind and the rain a wolf trotted up to me and gave me a look. Slowly, numbingly I turned my gaze toward the beast only to return it back towards the shards. “Go away…”, I told the animal and its only reply was to edge closer and sit down. I sighed, sniffed and remained silent for a long while. Without meaning to I coughed, cleared my throat and began to speak.

“It used to be beautiful, warm and bright. Warm as the sun on the sky, bright as the stars that surround the moon. Now? Now it’s a shattered shadow of what it used to be. Worst of all is… I didn’t drop it. I’m not even sure what happened. It just… dropped.”, at that the wolf barked and bumped its nose against my elbow. I sniffed, “Oh I know… it’s been broken before. It’s just, that I always forget how much it hurts. I always hope not this time, it’ll be okay. I can fall and survive. But time and time again…”.

The wolf looked at me and didn’t make a sound, it just sat there for a time, then sighed, stood up and trotted along. Once again, I was alone in the rain, staring at the pieces. Wishing the pain would go away. Hoping to feel complete again. Craving not to be alone…

I don’t know how long I sat there, as time had stood just as still as I had sat. Just suddenly I noticed a bunny sitting right next to me. A bunny of pure white, with a fluffy tail and long ears. A rare thing for a bunny to have green eyes I wondered but nevertheless there it was. “Who ever you are go away, I’m not in the mood right now”, I told the fluffy one. Her ears quivered, and it turned its head towards mine. It tried to hop closer but failed miserably, instead it crawled closer slowly so that it was almost touching my leg.

“Oh, your hurt too.”, I wondered out loud. The bunny tried to stretch out its right front paw but couldn’t. There was a wound on the paw, glowing brightly against the bright white fur. I wasn’t sure if it was the rain, or if the fluffy creature actually had a tear roll down it’s cheek.

“Come here”, with a great sigh I told the bunny as I lowered down my box and lifted her up. I held her in my arms as I tore a piece of my shirt and bandaged the injured paw. “There that should do it”, I sniffed, “just be careful not to hop too hard and fast. And stay away from the rain and cold. Go home if you can.”

And just as the words had left my lips I felt something warm besides me. Me and the bunny looked inside the box where the pieces had disappeared and in their place was a beautiful, warm, bright heart. We both looked at it, me holding the bunny close. The glow from the fragile little thing was warm and bright, like a new born star. I took my Heart from the box and held it close to my chest. With every breath I took it sank deeper, and deeper until I felt its strong, stubborn beat in my chest again. It was like having a small galaxy inside me. The bunny snuggled at my chest and I looked at the small creature in my arms and smiled, “since the rain doesn’t seem to be letting up I guess you can come home with me”.

My Dream of a Memory

”I still remember the first time I saw you”, were the words that woke me. The bed was soft and the room warm, the arm around me strong and familiar and the grey-blue eyes assured me of safety. “You were the weirdest little creature I had ever come across. The hippie way you dressed, the way your nose wrinkled when you laughed… Oh, God your laughter. It was the most annoying thing I had ever heard!”, amusement played on your face as I burrowed my brows to express my dissatisfaction. “Ah, come on Lizzie! You know I love the way you laugh now. I can’t get enough of it actually. It’s like an earworm that you secretly enjoy listening to.”

I made a face and you burst out laughing kissing me, beard tickling the side of my face while your hands managed the same at my sides making me laugh and scream, “Quit it! Now!!”.

“Fine my little hippie princess, savior of the free world. I shall make us some tea.”, you got up and pulled on checkered pants, the ones I had bought for you last Christmas, grey and blue, just like your eyes. I watched your strong move away from me back as you strode on to the stove and grabbed the kettle. Casting me a smile as you faded through the door to get water from the lake.

Sunlight poured in from the large window that rested on wall next to the bed, and I saw you walking down the pier, beautiful, I found myself thinking as if to name you for what you are. You hiked back to the cabin, climbed the stairs and through the door. All the while I kept my gaze on you, beautiful and beloved.

You set down the kettle and put fire to the stove. You turned around and I was on you. You gasped as my hands brushed your cheek, your beard tickling my palm. I put my hands around your face, drilling my gaze into your eyes, “You are beautiful, and I love you.” You looked stunned for a moment, then smiling you brushed away a tear I hadn’t even noticed. You opened your mouth as if to say something but then relented and just closed it again. Hands on my sides you pulled me close to you, your lips found mine and mine found yours. Without a sound you lifted and carried me on to the bed. Every touch cast away a fear, every kiss drove away sadness and every thrust made us closer to each other. We were beautiful together.

Kiss on the forehead woke me this time. The bed was warm, but you weren’t there anymore. I opened my eyes to only find emptiness. I panicked but then looked outside to discover you standing on the pier. I couldn’t believe what I saw. At the end of pier were you and the moon. Struggling, I journeyed to stand next you and to take your hand in mine. I wanted to drag you away from the moon, back to the bed, back to the warmth for the moon felt cold. “Please… can we go?”, I tried. You know I tried. I just wanted to be warm and with you.

You turned around peering in to my eyes, your gaze of grey and blue giving me the warmth I needed, “Lizzie I have to go now.” A single tear rolled down your cheek only to be lost in your beard. “It’s time. I know I made a selfish decision in this, but I wanted to spend my last day with you. I actually begged for it and this is what we got, absolute perfection”, you exclaimed with a warm smile.

“What do you mean have to go?”, and as a signal a door appeared on the face of the moon. I looked at it only to discover panic rising inside me again. Couldn’t we just get back inside? Away from the moon? Your arms where around me and I was home, safe. “Why do you need to go to the moon?”.

 “Because I promised you that you deserve only the best, my little hippie hero. I promised you a home among the stars and the moon was the only thing available.” With every word you said came assurance, with every second you held me came faith and warmth. And within the safety of you arms I thought about living on the moon, among the stars and it dawned to me, “..this is a dream”, I whispered knowing you would hear.

You released your hold on me taking my hands in yours, “It is if you want it to be, Liz. It is a dream, or it is our final moment of sharing the same world until you join me.” I must have looked confused because you smiled, lifted my hand to your lips and gave a kiss. “This was my favorite memory. Us here, alone in the cabin. This is where I knew I loved you. This is where I knew I would hold on to you for the rest of my life, and I did.” Images rushed in to my head, memories that had happened before. This cabin, our time, our love, our marriage, our children, the car accident, “…the hospital”, I whispered again.

There was guilt on face and sadness in that grey and blue gaze of yours. You wrapped me in your arms and held me there pouring your love in to me. “I’m sorry, Liz. I never thought it would go like this.” With that I cried. You held me, and I broke down crying. You held me as you always had, as you would never again.

You held me and spoke to my ear, “If you want, this is just a dream. Or if you want this is a promise. I’m not going any further from except to the next room. I will be there preparing, and waiting for you. That’s what I want you to remember, Lizzie. I will be waiting for you. And when you’re ready, when you have lived your life and done everything you have wanted you will come and live with me in the moon, okay? I’ll build us a cabin like this there. I’ll make you a garden and a swing. Every day will the most beautiful day of spring and it will only rain when we want it to. And I will love you forever.” I didn’t want you to let go, I wanted you to keep holding me, I didn’t want you to stop talking, I wanted to keep hearing your voice. But with my memories came reason and I knew you couldn’t. I looked up at you and you smiled, the same damned smile that had captured my heart. The smile that told me all would be well. The smile I would never see again. “Will you wait for me?”, was all I managed. Your smile faded, and a stern look took over you face, the promising face, “I will wait for you all eternity and beyond if I have to.” I knew that to be true, you never made promises you wouldn’t be able to keep.

I lowered my head feeling the tears swelling up, breaking your hold, I took a step back and placed my hands in yours. Despite the tears I lifted my eyes to yours, “I promise I will join you after the end of my days.” You looked at me and smiled that damned smile of yours as I looked in to your eyes of grey and blue saying only what I knew to be the truest thing in my life, “I love you”. You stepped forward and kissed me on the forehead, “I love you, my little hippie princess.”

And with that you stepped through the door on the moon, as the door slammed shut behind you, I woke up to a long beeping sound in the hospital and saw a tear roll down your cheek, vanish in the midst of your beard that framed the smile you had on your face.